Tongue-Tied And Overloaded

I had a sudden urge to clean my room today. While browsing through my drawers, I found my old journals. A photo fell out of one of them (cliché much?) and I was laughing hard when I saw it. It was a photo of me back when I was in first grade. There was an event and us students were lined up by year level. I had this stupid grin on my face and I was wearing some kind of costume. That wasn't what made me laugh though. What made me laugh was the person standing next to me. He was a couple of inches shorter than me and he was looking at me dubiously. Back then, he was just some random kid who goes to the same school as me. We’re not friends. We only knew each other’s names (in our school, if you’re constantly part of your level’s top 10, everybody knows who you are).

Sometimes I wish it stayed that way. Then, he would just be a part of some silly childhood picture.

*****

I’ll probably hate myself for bringing this up.

So I’ve been reading those old journals this afternoon. When I reached the 2004 to 2006 journal, I stopped. I didn’t want to read it. See, I already did a great deal just to forget everything that happened in that period. I’ve done a good job forgetting and I don’t want the memories to come back. But I’m too curious for my own good, so yeah, I freaking read it.

As I expected, every single page was filled with RG stories. I cringed at most of them, by the way.

Reading them made me realize how many things I was able to block out. And I’m so proud of myself at how good I am at blocking stuff out. Memory gap does have its advantages!

Before today, I was so scared of having these memories back. I’ve always thought that when I bring them back, the confusion, feelings and unresolved issues would come back too.

So is it back? I’ll give it a day to sink in.

*****

Yeah, I know, I just opened two hellholes in one entry.